GiggleSnots & Tatertots « Words Unleashed. « Cats with Opposed Thumbs, Chalices of Mucus, and Several other Oddities to Avoid Whilst Poeting «
oh rats
The basest tendencies of man
include the monarch
Butterfly – gold and black wings
pulled taut and pinned to cheap pine
The rat for all his fffhh fffhh ffffhh fffhh-ing
Eats the dead
and does not stare at the corpes
If there is any other difference
between them at all
(other than on issues of politics, merlot,
and the best feces in which to wade)
it seems to be only of location
whether
in piles of words
in thick little minds
or in the dark shadows
of a backalley after the drunks have collapsed
Leanne on Aug. 18At least rats are honest about their nature. Maybe it's liberating being able to run around nude in the sewers.
"wallowing in shit
they both do"
These lines are awkward and maybe a bit on the bludgeoning side. I think it probably needs to be said, but with a bit more subtlety. Also, what would you think about changing the last stanza just a bit, to:
Or in the dark shadows
of a backalley while the drunks are
collapsing
Since they don't really wait for it, do they?
Rats are partial to merlot -- it sounds posh but it's easier to pronounce than most of those terribly confusing foreign words, and it doesn't take an educated palate to slosh it down with greasy eggs.
Norm on Aug. 18I am always taken aback at the notion that man is the highest expression of creation. I really like this poem.
Anstey on Aug. 22So much there to work on. Thanks so much Leanne. I'll post the revision at some point htis weekend.
