Awesome Time « Jasmine's Poetry « Poems In The Basement «
06. read to me
it rained a lot
outside of our car
but in the sun
you would read to me
shakespeare, kerouac
e.e. cummings
neruda
i drifted to sleep on your shoulder
with the faint smell of leather
and your
sweat
you would make
love to the words
and then tell me
you were
tired
outside of our car
but in the sun
you would read to me
shakespeare, kerouac
e.e. cummings
neruda
i drifted to sleep on your shoulder
with the faint smell of leather
and your
sweat
you would make
love to the words
and then tell me
you were
tired
Alcuin of York on June 5 2007You have a lot of effective images and thoughts. I've looked at a couple of your writes and I like what is said very much. In that dept., I could learn from you. However, and honestly, I think you need to work on your phrasing. Let me give specifics:
L2: Eliminating the "of" would strengthen the phrase a lot. Your meter is consistently iambic in both lines, except for the "of". Eliminating it as unnecessary will strengthen in (fewer words to say the same thing=stronger writing):
it RAINED a LOT / outSIDE our CAR.
Similarly, in L4, changing "you would" into "you'd" would maintain the rhythm (at least until the next line, where maintaining it gets to be too expensive) and also keep the language sounding informal. Ditto L12.
L9 could use the elimination of "with". I suggest ending the previous line with an em-dash.
Your poem endings remind me of Louise Gluck's work. I truly like them.
Alcuin
Jasmine Mann on June 12 2007Thanks for all of your input, Alcuin. It is greatly appreciated! You seem to pick up on all my weak points, which i find wonderful. I'll rework this poem with your suggestions and see how i like it.
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Contemplate this on the Tree of Woe.
