Awesome Time « Jasmine's Poetry « Poems In The Basement «
11. empty
i trembled, and lay to my side
cradling a swollen belly
it felt whole
in those days
but i knew it
could never be
the decision was the
hardest part -
the procedure
didn't take long
teeth bared in a grin
you said you'd never have allowed
our child anyway
beneath my feet
the earth smelt of rain
as we left the building
and i felt
empty
Anstey on May 31 2007 edit · delete Don't trash it, but it does need work. I'll try to be specific tmorrow after I get back from wisdom teeth today i won't be up to it!
-----
- stephan
Alcuin of York on May 31 2007 edit · delete Jasmine: “lain” is incorrect. It’s a past participle (rather than past) and would be used as “had lain”. “Lying” is, I believe, what you intend here.
Inversely, S3L1 should be “lie to your side”, since he is not putting something to his side (the hands are “in [his] hair”.
The comma in the middle of S4L2 should be removed because the line is really one thought. Perhaps some earlier draft used the “swollen already” to interrupt a longer phrase. At first I didn’t like “in those days” – cliche, plain, etc. But on rereading this a few times I came to the conclusion that it gives a slightly lonely feeling to the piece, which conveys the title theme subtly. One problem is the absence of time between the sex of the first 3 strophes, and the swollen belly. The strophe break is insufficient. Perhaps I am insufficiently subtle, but something should mark time – dashes, or perhaps a plain line by itself: “time, time, time” or some other word repetition.
At first I misunderstood “teeth bared in a grin” Obviously I should have picked up that it went with the rest of the same stanza.
I think this is closer to done than you think. You might consider combining some or all of the first 3 strophes. This might express in form the contrasting experiences you’re describing. Hope this has been helpful
Alcuin
Tracey on May 31 2007 edit · delete Yes, this is worth some edits and as has been suggested already, probably not as many as you think.
I think Alcuin gave you some detailed and excellent ideas to consider. To that I'd affirm that the jumps from time to time are indeed disconcerting and force the reader to reread the poem a few times to totally get it.
Alcuin may have already addressed this (I can't remember) but I'd change the commas and one word around in this stanza as follows:
in those days i awoke sick,
my belly already swollen,
and in those days i knew
I'll let you know if I think of anything else. Looking forward to your next draft!
Jasmine Mann on June 1 2007 edit · delete Thanks so much guys! I really, really appreciate/need the input. I know where i want to go with this poem, but it's not quite coming out the way i want it to. What i'm struggling the most is with the passage of time thing. I don't want to make the poem too long, as the others in the series aren't very long. I want the poem to be as minimalist as possible, without sacrificing content or making it too long (is that even possible?).
I also need to know how you interpretted it. It's supposed to be about the narrator having an abortion, not a miscarriage. I was wondering if it came off that way in poem or if i need to rework that.
Anyways, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE if there's anything else bugging you about this poem, say it. I can take the crticism!
-----
Well, poop.
